Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
