I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
