Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
FUCK WHALES
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
