I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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