So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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