Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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