So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
