I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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