Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
