I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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