this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
