Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
