I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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