: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
