just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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