It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
