I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
