dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
