I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we're making bets on your personal life
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
