Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Randomize
