I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
