I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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