Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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