I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
