Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
