I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
