Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize
