Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
