there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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