Where is the hickey?
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
