I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
