u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
