My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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