My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
