Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
