I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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