So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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