Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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