Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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