I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize