I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
