im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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