I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
