The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
