Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
