Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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