I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
