i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
