YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
