Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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