Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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