We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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