I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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