Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
