Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There r osticjed everywhere
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize