I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize