Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
