Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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