He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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