Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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