and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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