Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize