take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
