this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The air taste purple.
Randomize