i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
