the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
